Chapter 4~ Oh the Lies that you Believe.
Within this entry are some writings that will speak about suicide. I would have never thought that I would be thinking such things, but I guess people have their ways of making it happen.
The second title to this lot of writing was ” Things you should never say to a 19 year old”
I still can not recall who exactly messaged who when it came time to have this part of my life turned upside down but I do remember opening a Facebook message basically saying that I was the reason they did not want a thing to do with my family, it was MY FAULT for breaking up the family….again.. Seriously they are a broken record but ….
The most part of the email said that I had been making plans the entire week of their holiday to hang out with my friends. That was a load of garbage. Did I have my friends over? Yes. But I didn’t invite them.
My mother was known to have parties for the smallest thing and so when they had decided to come stay she decided to hold a welcoming party for them and I was allowed to invite my friends that my mother also saw as daughters, she even invited very close family friends who had seen me grow up and treated us like family.
As I stated before I had gone to my friends house for a couple hours as they were out watching movies during that period of time, we didn’t see it as a big deal at the time.
I made my plans for the week after as I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.
How could she accuse me of such things is crazy and absurd.
I went home and told my parentals.
I was being blamed for things I did not do.
My mother gave me comfort and said it wasn’t the first time we had been accused of such things, but it didn’t work. I am the type of person that will reply everything over and over again and get upset about it.
I think my father called my sister and had a verbal disagreement over the phone. He was angry I do remember that.
For a few weeks I had all these negative thoughts. “Why?” I would doubt myself. Had I really had to many friends over? Had I done all the terrible things they wrote about?
For some odd reason, we had some scaffolding in our yard set up. I think it was to trim trees and such but one night I found myself staring at it, thinking it would be so easy just to hang myself from it.
A few more days followed, I planned it out. The rope, the time, everything. I wanted them to feel the pain I felt. I wanted them to blame themselves for my death. I think about it now and highly doubt they would even had cared.
When it came time to doing it, I thought about my mother and father and the doubt started flooding through me.
The questions I was hearing over and over again in my head.
“Is it really worth it?”
“Does it truly end the pain I am feeling?”
“What would happen in the morning when the parental’s came to find my body?”
I couldn’t do it. I had to keep living and prove to them and myself that I was better then them. I was stronger then them. Even though the words hurt, cut me deep and broke another piece of my already fragile heart I was going to stay on this earth despite if they hate me. I hold grudges. I hold onto hate.
I have put them in a small corner of my mind.
After that day all the photos of my sister and us were burnt in my backyard.
It gave me a sense of relief. I didn’t need her, I don’t need YOU.
Until the day my mother passed on I never shared this dark chapter of my life.
I never wanted her to doubt me, to be scared for me, to constantly worry about my mental health.
Now you might be thinking, well that is it. You cut contact, blocked them and moved on but you are only half right. Yes I did block them, moved on until the birth of my son. In 2013 I became a mother and I knew that they didn’t care but I messaged one of them telling them they had a nephew, at the time it felt like something to do. It wasn’t a olive branch. Well as you can guess it didn’t go well, I was basically told she didn’t care and she had her own child to think of. I seriously don’t know what she thought I was trying to do but my motivates were not malicious or negative, I was just happy to became a mother. Since then I have not contacted them, I have not told them about our other children or anything.
My children will know that they have aunties who do not care for them (Both my side and my partners side) and they will be taught that it is not their fault, its just the other person choice.