The Diaries of a Half Blood Reject.

CHAPTER 6 ~ My own parental told me I was overweight.

I was about 18 when my own father told me I was fat and could lose a few kilos. I was a size 18 at the time and going through my “wannabe” goth phrase so 90% of my closet was black stuff. I made a sign (cause I was dramatic) that said something along the lines of my weight and only fat to wear them.

My mother took me for a walk and told me to “Forgive but never forget” it was her go to motto (looking back its a toxic thing to tell people) I told her I wouldn’t even forgive. Why should I forgive for something I never said. HE CALLED ME FAT. Even in 2008 fat shaming was just another form of teasing I don’t even think it had a name yet. I was thick, I didn’t think a size 18 meant over weight. I didn’t even think much of my weight till he said something.

13 year old me with what my father called “Lucky Legs”

17 year old before my dad called me fat.

19 year old. you can see my “fat”

21 year old me I was thick.

To this day my father denies ever saying that and still fat shames me and tells me it wouldn’t hurt to lose weight. When I tell him that I am trying he tells me to try harder. I know the risks of being overweight, I am trying my hardest to not push my body to lose the weight to fast in case something goes wrong.

Parentals shouldn’t fat shame their kids.
Parentals should encourage their children to be the best they can be.

What a True Parenting Handbook should have.

Part Four – Toys VS The real things.

They make kids toys to basically mimic the real life counterparts we use in our everyday lives so why is it that the kids do not wish to play with the tried and tested toys that are safe for them but rather the ones that might hurt them.? Some of their toys are definitely more fun, like hammers that make cute noises when they are banged against something or controllers that have bright colors and cool music. I will post below what my toddler rather play with then his toy version of them.

First is toy phones. ~ Each has it own thing going on, each make their own noises and music *except the wooden one* but he chooses the real working phone over them all. It could be because he knows how to open it and get to what he wants.

Second Toy Camera VS Real Camera. ~ The toy camera is like a kaleidoscope and you can change the lens but yet all my kids would rather the real camera that actually works and takes photos and they get to see what they look like in the end.

Toy Phones VS Real Phone.

Third is Water Game VS Switch. ~ I grew up with these Ring toss water games but I think the kids get bored easily and frustrated with the rings constantly flying off and prefer to go on the switch and play games there.
Fourth is Toy Controller VS PlayStation Controller. ~ When my toddler turned one I was so happy to get this controller as a gift from his Aunty cause I was wanting to try out these Cheats they have built into them that if you press the right combination of buttons they do a sound and such. But the kids would rather have the PlayStation controller even when they were younger this was a much cooler toy.

Fifth is Old style Phone Vs Corded Phone. I have this corded phone due to nostalgia reasons if given the choice I know my toddler would prefer the real corded phone then the one that makes noises and talks to you. HOW IS A REAL CORDED PHONE BETTER THEN THAT???
Sixth and final Toy Piggy bank VS real Piggy Bank. My toddler likes putting the money in both of these but he have a more favorite one with the real money going into the real money box. It could be the sound of the coins hitting the metal tin but who knows.

Toy Camera VS real one

Water Game VS Switch

Toy controller VS Real PS4 controller

Toy phone VS real Phone

Toy Piggy Bank VS real piggy bank

Even cardboard box was more entertaining to my toddler when he was younger. My mother used to joke about just gifting a toddler a box and they would love it more then the actual gift that might have come with it.

What a True Parenting handbook should have.

Part Three – Nappies (The Minute you change them there is a good chance they are going to crap in them)

We all know babies are known for their popping. The first poop to their infamous blow outs that sometimes have us going “nope not washing that” and straight up throwing it in the bin and the ones that make you gag while they smile at you with them toothless gums.

It still happens to me to this day, I will change my youngest and he’ll go hide. That is a red flag for him, hiding or being quiet while playing with his toys. Next sign is him running round the house laughing and the smell of a dirty nappy following him, entering what it seems to be every crack in the house.

I will be chasing him going “Why, that was a fresh nappy” and he’ll just laugh. Is his little butt on a secret timer that once he gets a nice dry, comfy nappy he has to crap in it? Is it the poop has to go into a dry nappy not a semi wet one.? Why must they always do this. There have been days where this happens multiple times so it can get frustrating.

I have so many questions that always start with why?

I can not wait for toilet training to come this summer. I rather wipe his butt then chase after him and his smelly butt while he giggles and tries to fight me to change him when I eventually catch him.

The Dairies of a Half Blood Reject

CHAPTER 5 PART 2 ~ THE GIRLS WHO TAUGHT ME FAMILY

PART TWO 

ALEX Est~2012

Part Two of this chapter and it begins in 2012. 

I was studying Childcare at the local Tafe and it was just like the first day of High School all over again.

This time though we were adults and some silly immature children.

My memory is blurry about who spoke first, but it wasn’t long till we had our own little clique of girls who would help with assignments, had lunch together and hung out outside of School.

It was amazing.

Having adult friends opened a whole new chapter in my life. We went to TAFE, did our work and even ditched our classes to go swimming and having fun at the local pool. 

Alex and I have fought so many times and have stopped talking, blocked each other, spoke shit about each other to other people. We eventually rekindle, start chatting again and forget about the shit we did while we hated each other. 

This is just how we work.
She has taught me so much about myself, has helped me follow a path of what I want to be in my life. 
Has been there during the bad times. She wasn’t there during the time of mum passing but she was there after, she understands how I have my bad days and lets me have the space I need to recover without smothering me.

She not only wears the title of Aunty, she always wears the title of my kids second mother. She taught me things that she can teach my kids over time as they grow.

TARA ~ EST 2012

This woman is my online best friend. She lives in America and we started chatting one night in 2012 when I had a terrible tooth ache that kept me up all night for a week. We haven’t stopped talking since, we even write letters and send them to each other. Such a cute thing to keep for the future so we can read them. Her and her mum have welcomed and loved me as if I was their own family member and I will love them forever.

When I lost my mum I had Tart’s mum there to help me through the tough time. She has become my second Mumma bear and I never feel alone when I speak to them. Even oceans apart we have found each other and have become close friends.

There have been so many girls over the years that have taught me things, have loved my family as their own and sadly chose to follow a path or two that I just couldn’t follow and so I had to leave them and yes I miss them but it is for the best.

Thank you to all the girls that have stuck around during my bad periods, during my isolating times, my depression days and when I have yelled, cried and screamed and needed them. Even though this is the end of these chapters I wish to keep the Dairies of A Half Blood reject going. So here we are closing the first chapters and moving on to the next.

Thanks for reading.

She Listens.

Whenever I feel out of sorts, alone, overstimulated, overwhelmed and it feels like I can not crawl myself out of the rabbit hole that I have fallen into, like I am being pulled down by an invisible force. I reach out for her. She who surrounds us all.

When I walk freely with her, I feel at home, I feel like I can do anything, I am free, peaceful and most of all happy. I talk to her and she listens. She never talks back, she just listens. Mother Nature knows the trails of life, the fight to keep your head above water when it feels like you are drowning in a sea of nothing. She knows how still stand tall and bright when the fire is burning you and all you know.

And when you think you are alone, she sends her friends to cheer up. To make you laugh and smile. They don’t shy away cause they know they have a mission to their Mother Nature.

You are never alone when you open yourself to her.

Her love is endless

Writing a Letter to your younger self

If you could write a letter to your younger self and have them read it what would you enclose in it? At what age would you address it for?

Mine would be for my 13-14 year old self and it might say something like this.

Dear Me.
I know exactly what you are going through right now. These years are going to be what shapes you into the you that is writing this letter now. Trust me when I say Please do all you can to change.

Why change you might think? Well let’s say with the bullying and teasing you lose all your self confidence, you develop a flight or fight response to just run away from conflict. Stand up for yourself. Fight for yourself. Don’t listen to them bullies, bully them back. Get into fights, scream, yell and be loud and stop listening to what your parents tell you about being quiet, Girl BE YOURSELF.

It is ok to cry, it is ok to go silent on people, it is ok to cut people out of your life without a single word. If they are toxic, bye bye. No second chances. Family isn’t is blood it is who loves you and is always be there for you.

Go out and live, make memories, make mistakes, but for god sakes LIVE. Have a life. Make regrets. Don’t make the one regret you have now is that you didn’t get to have a fun teenage hood.

From the 32 year old person who doesn’t know how to change cause its to late.

Saving Wildlife

It’s my joy to save the less fortunate of the animal kingdom, it has been a thing since I was a young child. Today on my way home from dropping my two school aged kids off I heard this week’s noise. I saw a crow, hiding behind a ledge, thinking nothing more of it I kept walking but the sound was persistent. I turned back to see this crow attacking a fully grown frog. We had a night of rain so it wasn’t uncommon to see them around.

I shooed the crow away and made sure to check the frog out, he was puffed up and I guess a little injured. I had no water on me unfortunately but I tried to wet my hands on the nearby leaves but it didn’t help. I had no choice but to use my bandana to pick up this poor creature and relocate him. The crow was still around waiting for me to leave. If I had moved him to the garden right beside him I’m sure the crow would have attacked so I carefully picked him up and carried him home. He was all in defence mood, puffed up at me. I did apologise for not having a wet cloth on me. I placed him in my pot plant and smart fellow he was stayed there till sundown when we said goodbye to him as he hopped away. I made sure through out the day though that he was still safe and drizzled some water on him. He seemed to like it.

It dawned on me today is exactly one week since I put my beloved Lulu down. So I saw it as I couldn’t save her but I saved him in her honour.

To the rainbow bridge.

The last 48 hours have been filled with a lot of tears and sadness.

It started sort of started Monday when I noticed that one of our beloved furbabies was hiding. It was a very cold and rainy day and those days the cats sort of just hide and sleep the day away while being warm, so I didn’t have a need to worry, that was until Tuesday.

I had a guy feeling Monday night something wasn’t right but by the time I went to find her she had moved from her spot and the house was asleep and I didn’t really want to wake up the kids looking for her. So I slept on it.

The feeling still hadn’t gone away so I went on the look for her, it didn’t take long for me to find her hiding under my eldest son’s bed. Breathing sounded weird and she had a gone to the toilet and was just laying in it. I knew then something was wrong. I rung my partner to come home so we could talk about what we were going to do but it was looking grim. My best friend made the journey to my place before her shift started to see what we could do.

I told her what we had to do and it was going to be saying Goodbye. My friend being the kind soul she is, said her goodbye, whispered something to her and helped me break the news to my daughter. I had already informed my eldest son as he was awake and wondering why I was clearly upset. I didn’t hide the truth from him but to make sure that his sister didn’t wake up to heartbreaking news I told her to keep it a secret for now. We didn’t want to ruin her morning.

With myself and Anakin in tow. She sat down with my daughter and told her all about the rainbow bridge and how Lulu was going to be going up there and seeing all our family and how she will be out of pain. She took it well….a little to well.

I was still waiting for the partner to get home from work as I had booked her appointment with the vets but traffic had another idea. He couldn’t get home, he was stuck in back to back traffic, so i cancelled the appointment and made it for after work on Wednesday and sent him back to work. I had moved her from her hiding spot to the bathroom tub, I made sure the tub was lined with old blankets, ones I didn’t care if they got vomit or pee on them and a little bowl of wet food with water.

When I picked her up to move her she all but howled in pain. I felt so bad. She barely moved for the next 24 hours, her breathing didn’t change, she still didn’t eat or drink. She was holding on for something.

Wednesday afternoon comes round and here we are, all in the kitchen, Miss Lulu in her carry case ready for one last journey. My eldest and I crying. And that when I notice my daughter has finally understood what is happening and is bawling her eyes out. Cuddle puddle in the kitchen it was, three of us crying, their dad holding us slightly while I comfort them.

We said our goodbyes and watched the car leave the driveway. I took the kid to the bedroom and told they again why we had to do this. Why it was cruel to let her suffer. We looked at photos of her. The kids asked for some and I gladly gave them some polaroid’s I had of them and her.

It is now day one without her in our lives and its so quiet. We miss the meowing and headbutting, the constant laying on us and the belly rubs.

May you watch over us until we meet again.
Rest in peace Lulu.

The Dairies of a Half Blood Reject

CHAPTER 5 ~ THE GIRLS WHO TAUGHT ME FAMILY

This is my family.
I found it all on my own.
It’s little and broken
but still good….
 yeah still good.
~ Stitch (Lilo and Stitch)

The chapters are coming to an end of this story but in the light of things, it gets better for me. Let me introduce to you the girls who taught me about family and how its not about Blood, but love.

Judy ~ Est 2003

I’m gonna take you back to the very early 2000’s

2003 to be exact.

The year I started High School, my first year of teenage-hood and absolutely scared. I knew NO-ONE (well I did but once they hit high school they didn’t want to talk to me or acknowledge me at all). I remember sitting in a big room, filled with 8th graders, listening to a speech from one of the many teachers.

Circa ’03

I just started talking to a girl and from there a sort of friendship started. Once we had done with what I am guessing what a Low down of our new lives and timetables. I walked out chatting to this girl, she is lucky, she knows people already in the next grade up.

The next thing I remember is meeting this group of strangers. Completely out of my element. Almost hiding behind this girl I just met, hiding in the shadows. I can not remember who spoke to me first, I just know over time I was hanging out with these people every school morning and lunches. 

There I met Judy.
A grade higher then me.
She is one of those people who loves everyone whether if they want it or not really.
We have been through thick and thin together.

I was 13 when I got my first crush and unfortunately my crush was her boyfriend at the time. Even at that young age I knew I could like him in secret but never break them up. There was one time when we were all rough housing and he went and picked me up and I told him to put me down, he asked why. I just said its cause your her boyfriend, it just felt weird.

They eventually broke up, but we all still hung out. Over time Him and I started dating and you know what, It was never a negative thing for her and I. We stayed friends through it, she was there when we broke up both times, she was there when I once again dated a ex of hers. 
Back then in our little clique the whole “You don’t date your best friends exes” didn’t matter to us.

We wanted each other to be happy.

Now, almost 20 years later, we sit together and laugh about our relationships and we basically have the same taste in men. We hang out more now than we ever thought we would. 

She got to be part of my family, my mother loved her. Was it cause they were both Leo’s? Maybe. Was it because they shared the same birthday? Possibly. Or was it that Judy could take the jokes that my father dished out, loved us as if we were her own blood.

When she became a mother of her own, My Mother loved getting updates from me about her, pictures of her ultrasound and adored meeting her little man when she came down to visit us. 

We have had our highs.
We have had our lows.
We have stopped talking.
We have found our way back.

We are unbreakable. 

The Diaries of A Half Breed Reject

Chapter 4~ Oh the Lies that you Believe.

TRIGGER WARNING.

Within this entry are some writings that will speak about suicide. I would have never thought that I would be thinking such things, but I guess people have their ways of making it happen.

The second title to this lot of writing was ” Things you should never say to a 19 year old” 

I still can not recall who exactly messaged who when it came time to have this part of my life turned upside down but I do remember opening a Facebook message basically saying that I was the reason they did not want a thing to do with my family, it was MY FAULT for breaking up the family….again.. Seriously they are a broken record but ….

What.

The.

Hell.?

The most part of the email said that I had been making plans the entire week of their holiday to hang out with my friends. That was a load of garbage. Did I have my friends over? Yes. But I didn’t invite them.

My mother was known to have parties for the smallest thing and so when they had decided to come stay she decided to  hold a welcoming party for them and I was allowed to invite my friends that my mother also saw as daughters, she even invited very close family friends who had seen me grow up and treated us like family. 
As I stated before I had gone to my friends house for a couple hours as they were out watching movies during that period of time, we didn’t see it as a big deal at the time.

I made my plans for the week after as I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.
How could she accuse me of such things is crazy and absurd.

I went home and told my parentals.
I was being blamed for things I did not do.

My mother gave me comfort and said it wasn’t the first time we had been accused of such things, but it didn’t work. I am the type of person that will reply everything over and over again and get upset about it.

I think my father called my sister and had a verbal disagreement over the phone. He was angry I do remember that. 
For a few weeks I had all these negative thoughts. “Why?” I would doubt myself. Had I really had to many friends over? Had I done all the terrible things they wrote about?

For some odd reason, we had some scaffolding in our yard set up. I think it was to trim trees and such but one night I found myself staring at it, thinking it would be so easy just to hang myself from it. 

A few more days followed, I planned it out. The rope, the time, everything. I wanted them to feel the pain I felt. I wanted them to blame themselves for my death. I think about it now and highly doubt they would even had cared.

When it came time to doing it, I thought about my mother and father and the doubt started flooding through me.

The questions I was hearing over and over again in my head.

“Is it really worth it?” 
“Does it truly end the pain I am feeling?”

“What would happen in the morning when the parental’s came to find my body?” 

I couldn’t do it. I had to keep living and prove to them and myself that I was better then them. I was stronger then them. Even though the words hurt, cut me deep and broke another piece of my already fragile heart I was going to stay on this earth despite if they hate me. I hold grudges. I hold onto hate. 

I have put them in a small corner of my mind.

After that day all the photos of my sister and us were burnt in my backyard.
It gave me a sense of relief. I didn’t need her, I don’t need YOU.

Until the day my mother passed on I never shared this dark chapter of my life.
I never wanted her to doubt me, to be scared for me, to constantly worry about my mental health. 

Now you might be thinking, well that is it. You cut contact, blocked them and moved on but you are only half right. Yes I did block them, moved on until the birth of my son. In 2013 I became a mother and I knew that they didn’t care but I messaged one of them telling them they had a nephew, at the time it felt like something to do. It wasn’t a olive branch.  Well as you can guess it didn’t go well, I was basically told she didn’t care and she had her own child to think of. I seriously don’t know what she thought I was trying to do but my motivates were not malicious or negative, I was just happy to became a mother. Since then I have not contacted them, I have not told them about our other children or anything. 

My children will know that they have aunties who do not care for them (Both my side and my partners side) and they will be taught that it is not their fault, its just the other person choice.